Feelings. I used to think they were my nemesis, and to some extent I would still define them as “the bane of my life”. Which is outrageously dramatic, and only partially true.
Like a lot of people, I struggle to control let alone contain my feelings and emotions. Even with my best effort, you’ll still understand my thoughts on the matter/situation etched visibly across my face – for me, unfortunately, there’s no hiding.
I’ve spent a long time trying to suppress my emotions; to push them further and further down into a box deep inside my brain in the hope they’ll never surface and I’ll never have to deal with them ever again. It’s what I think of as my version of an ‘off’ switch – choosing whether or not to display emotions and process feelings. To feel vulnerable.
Of course in reality there is never any control. The box will always pop open, and all the feelings and emotions I’ve been trying to avoid will overwhelmingly come spilling out. This is the real world after all.
Avoiding the way I feel or situations that trigger an emotional response has always been my default – but I’m slowly trying to learn to acknowledge and embrace what emotion has stirred up and how it is making me feel. It’s just that, as obvious as it sounds, feelings can be overwhelming. They can be raw. They can make you feel unbalanced, throw you off kilter, make you feel out of control and unable to cope.
But I suppose part of growing up is also about growing into yourself too. To learn to manage emotions, or at least let them run their course and don’t try to fight them.
Deep, calming breaths.