When I was younger, and even in “depression denial”, I used to think that if you were feeling low and down it would be an easy fix to be “normal” again. Even now, I sometimes plead with myself to be the person I used to be. To be able to cope. To be able to pick myself up off the ground. To be free.
I’ve fallen back into a depressive state – a relapse if you will. I’ve been managing my mood and triggers for a while successfully now, but somewhere out of the blue with no apparent cause I’m back to the familiar haunts of depression.
I thought it would be different this time and I’d be able to shake it off, but it’s caught me in its grips and I cannot help but feel a failure.
But I know that’s ridiculous, and therapy tells me the same – albeit in a not so judgemental way of “it’s okay”. But still, I’m infuriated that I can’t seem to be in control of my own mind or emotions. And yet if I were listening to someone else berate themselves for sliding back into depression, I would tell them to ride the waves and acknowledge the way that they’re feeling.
As always, your own advice is a bitter pill to swallow.
And so although the irritation over lack of control is there, I’m trying to be a bit kinder to myself. If this is how I’m feeling, what compassion can I give to support myself?
Recovery takes time.