Tag: functionaldepression

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Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

I wonder if I’ll ever be enough

A common thought amongst most people – a sweeping statement but nethertheless I’d say true. We spend our lives striving for wealth, for greatness, to have a roaring career, be in the best shape, pushing ourselves to be the epitome of success. But what really does that mean?

I definitely feel I’ve spend my life, all 33 years of it thus far, trying to be better. The best version of myself – be it pushing my body beyonds its limits, micro controlling my diet, burning myself out through overwork to prove I’m worthy and capable, relentlessly cleaning my house like it’s a palatial show room and not a lived in home. But for who? For what purpose? And most importantly why?

Am I doing all of these things for myself? Am I really that satisfied? Will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever truly be happy and content? Am I enough for myself?

Through talking therapy this year we discussed expectations and pressures – mainly put on myself, by myself, from the idea of what I “should” be doing, and what defines being successful. Even though I realised comparison was the thief of joy, here I am 6+ months later still unable to change my habits and thought cycles.

But I know better. I know that if nothing changes then nothing changes. It’s something I hear myself profess to other people, so why is it so hard to practice what I preach?

Perhaps that’s the point though – it’s practice, and without commitment to the cause, I’ll always be in the same vicious, draining cycle.

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

A spark, a flame, a fire

I’ve been struggling recently. Mentally and physically. I guess mentally it’s not really a surprise – I’ve been more open than ever with my struggles of depression. But physically it’s been a burden.

There’s an intrinsic link between mental and physical health, especially when depression and/or other struggles are involved. Still, I’ve always been quite ‘functional’. And this is something which I’ve weirdly been proud of myself for – probably pressurised myself unknowingly.

I don’t think I’d describe myself as a ‘get up and go’ kind of person per se, but I’ve always been able to function within the day – whether that be to work, go to the gym, general get shit done.

Within the last, honestly I don’t know how long, I’ve lost my motivation and all energy. In a non life-ending way, but I’ve really lost my lust for life. Which tells me that something needs to change.

We all know that “it’s okay not to be okay”, and I truly stand firm to that notion. But, I know in myself that in order for me to cope and feel myself, something has to give.

I’ve made some really subtle changes recently, as well as really trying to give myself a break (easier said than done). I can feel it already, those little sparks coming to life again.

Sparks eventually lead to flames and fires. And that’s all I can hope for.

Journey.

Categories
Mental Health

Feeling bad and feeling better

When I was younger, and even in “depression denial”, I used to think that if you were feeling low and down it would be an easy fix to be “normal” again. Even now, I sometimes plead with myself to be the person I used to be. To be able to cope. To be able to pick myself up off the ground. To be free.

I’ve fallen back into a depressive state – a relapse if you will. I’ve been managing my mood and triggers for a while successfully now, but somewhere out of the blue with no apparent cause I’m back to the familiar haunts of depression.

I thought it would be different this time and I’d be able to shake it off, but it’s caught me in its grips and I cannot help but feel a failure.

But I know that’s ridiculous, and therapy tells me the same – albeit in a not so judgemental way of “it’s okay”. But still, I’m infuriated that I can’t seem to be in control of my own mind or emotions. And yet if I were listening to someone else berate themselves for sliding back into depression, I would tell them to ride the waves and acknowledge the way that they’re feeling.

As always, your own advice is a bitter pill to swallow.

And so although the irritation over lack of control is there, I’m trying to be a bit kinder to myself. If this is how I’m feeling, what compassion can I give to support myself?

Recovery takes time.

Categories
Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health

The quiet things that only I know

There’s two phrases people often use – “life gets in the way” and “you’ll drive yourself crazy” – both have never felt truer. 

Recently I’ve been feeling myself being pulled further into the darkness, more rain less sunshine. And I think that’s how life can be sometimes. It gets in the way. Of your hopes, your visions, and it can cloud your perspective of the future. And I know people say “ahh but only if you let it consume you”, but I don’t think that’s true. You don’t always have the control. You can’t always be “strong” enough to break free. 

Maybe, though, things happen for a reason. Maybe I’m meant to feel like this now in order to feel whole in the future. I’m only human and that’s okay.

But it’s the rumination and thinking you only ever experience things alone that can be the real killer. It’s hard not to get caught up and think you’re the only one to feel this way. But I like to remind myself that the seasons always change. There is always evolution.

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

The haze, the fog, and everything in between

My working week started how my weekend ended – in a haze of nothingness and brain fog. I’ve struggled all this last week with concentration – even with basic tasks such as opening my emails and within a matter of seconds forgetting who I was emailing and what on earth for. Racking my brains (or lack thereof) to try and remember what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. 

To say it’s been a difficult week is an understatement. It’s been frustrating, in the sense that generally I like to be productive. I guess I feel a sort of sense of achievement for having been productive and having tangible outputs. Almost pride like – yes there are struggles, but on the whole I am functional and will not be typecast under a narrow minded and archaic definition. 

Still, it frustrates me nonetheless. I like to do. I don’t like to sit still – body or mind. And the latter is probably where I don’t help myself or give myself enough of a break. 

But this week, I’m almost embraced the haziness and concentration struggles. I’ve been patient and gentle with myself. Instead of berating myself for not remember what I was doing, or meant to be doing, I’ve allowed myself to go through the motions – and emotions – to recognise it for what it is. A moment. An insignificant moment in my life. Literally and metaphorically. It doesn’t really matter if I forget things, or have moments (or weeks) of fogginess, because those moments do pass. They are not defining. 

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can.