bestill – Faith of the Heart

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

Daydream believing and gracious nothingness

Do you ever just sit and stare into the abyss? Listen to music or sit in silence, and just stare out into the unknown?

Yesterday I spent hours just sitting and staring. Usually I’d think what a waste of time as I have 10,000,000 things I could be spending my precious time doing. But instead, I just sat on a bench, listened to music and absorbed myself in doing nothing. Absolute nothing. And it was great.

Always being on a deadline or having a gazillion things on your to do list (and mind) can be so overwhelming. Yes ten minutes of mindfulness a day is a really good way of adding in some self care and “me” down time. But sometimes I find it’s not enough. I’m so pressurised to get everything I can possibly do done – and that’s mostly pressure I put on myself – that mindfulness can often be just another activity to check off my list.

I’m a reflector, I always have been. Sometimes it’s good – it gives me that headspace I need to really think and process my thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes it turns into rumination and is bad for me – that’s when the spiralling can start.

But, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Think nothing. Be nothing. Just sit and observe, without any time pressures or thinking about what’s next after you’ve “relaxed” a bit. I guess that’s mindfulness in its self – it’s the way it’s meant to be.

It’s almost like you have to teach and allow yourself to press the pause button every now and then. And that, quite frankly, is just an insane notion – how have we got to this stage in life where we have to learn to do nothing?!

21st century problems.

Let’s be still more <3