Tag: experience

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Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

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Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

And one day I’ll be able to see the path I so clearly carved out

I’m lost at the moment. Lost somewhere in between the monotony of daily life (aka the “new normal”), life as I used to know it, and hopes for the future. I feel I’m somewhere along a continuum. There’s hope at one side and despair at the other side.

I try to pep talk myself because I know I don’t have it as bad as some people, but still, it feels enough for me. Unsustainable. Like I might break or shatter at any moment – and often I do, in the form of tears.

And I know it’s okay, because life is a journey – they say you have to take the rough with the smooth, life is full of bumps in the road. But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

I’m getting better at talking; about acknowledging how I am feeling and if I don’t think I am coping that well. But then this week I heard the most infuriating thing – to check in with how people are really feeling would be overkill and a box ticking exercise. Oh, and if you ask someone how they really are feeling they will drag you down with them. And there was me thinking “it’s okay not to be okay”.

For me, I will continue to try being more open. I say try because it’s still hard, there’s a certain element of vulnerability that I will never be able to shift. But, I will always be receptive to other people’s openness and honesty.

If there’s one thing I have learnt, it’s that articulating thoughts and feelings – whether written or spoken – always helps you see the light.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

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Life lessons Relationships Rollercoaster of life

The fallacy of great expectations

Do you ever get so caught up in how you think people will react to a particular instance or event, that when they do actually react it takes you utterly by surprise? In a way you perceive as either good surprise or bad surprise.

I’ve had a few moments like this recently. I always want to see the best in people, and as my own harsh critic I place tough expectations on myself, for myself. But, when other people fall short of my own personal expectations I’m disappointed. Which is insane, because firstly these are my own expectations for myself, and secondly we are each an individual. We don’t want people all the same. We need differences. Like the saying goes: variety is the spice of life. Having differing people creates a healthy balance of opinion and, well, general interestingness.

The thing about expectations is that hopelessly believing (or wishing) that people will react and be the same as you can be self destruction. It inadvertently hurts me when I feel people let me down – which isn’t fair. They never signed up to those expectations in the first place. It’s literally not you, it’s me.

Instead of thinking how we would be in any given situation, it’s more useful to readjust our mindset – what would so and so do? If I was so and so what would I think?

Habits take time to develop, and life is one continuous development. If only it came with a guidebook…

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Life lessons

Memoirs, failing and other useless advice

Quite often in books, magazines, social posts and the like, we are often asked to think about what advice we would give to our younger self. And I’ve never really had an answer to be honest, not because I’m perfect or haven’t made any mistakes. Because, well I’m human – who hasn’t?! But more because I think life is an experience, you have to go through the motions – both highs and lows – to really understand yourself and the ethereal “I think therefore I am”. Perhaps that’s advice in its self: experience. 

I also don’t think there’s any particular age that makes you worthy of dishing out life advice. I fundamentally believe in the quote “you never quit until you stop trying”. I want to learn all through the ages, not just get to a certain defined age where I “should” know everything. Life should be dynamic, unpredictable, and most importantly for a purpose: to learn and experience to enrich your being. 

It all sounds very wooly – and cringe – but that’s my only thoughts and advice; you really just have to experience it yourself. We all perceive and experience things differently, one size does not fit all. In the words of the 21st century “you do you”. I’ve stopped short of adding the word ‘babe’ after that – you’re welcome.