Tag: mindfullness

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Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

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Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

And one day I’ll be able to see the path I so clearly carved out

I’m lost at the moment. Lost somewhere in between the monotony of daily life (aka the “new normal”), life as I used to know it, and hopes for the future. I feel I’m somewhere along a continuum. There’s hope at one side and despair at the other side.

I try to pep talk myself because I know I don’t have it as bad as some people, but still, it feels enough for me. Unsustainable. Like I might break or shatter at any moment – and often I do, in the form of tears.

And I know it’s okay, because life is a journey – they say you have to take the rough with the smooth, life is full of bumps in the road. But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

I’m getting better at talking; about acknowledging how I am feeling and if I don’t think I am coping that well. But then this week I heard the most infuriating thing – to check in with how people are really feeling would be overkill and a box ticking exercise. Oh, and if you ask someone how they really are feeling they will drag you down with them. And there was me thinking “it’s okay not to be okay”.

For me, I will continue to try being more open. I say try because it’s still hard, there’s a certain element of vulnerability that I will never be able to shift. But, I will always be receptive to other people’s openness and honesty.

If there’s one thing I have learnt, it’s that articulating thoughts and feelings – whether written or spoken – always helps you see the light.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

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Life lessons Motivation

Inaccessible thoughts and the insufferable heat

At risk of a repetition of last week, my gosh this week has been hard. A real slog. And not for any particular reason, although I think the extreme heat hasn’t helped. I’ve really struggled to connect to my mind. That sounds absolutely insane – and not a thing – but let me explain. 

I always have a million and one thoughts whizzing through my mind – a trait I know a lot of people endure. But this last week it’s like I’ve not been able to isolate or process any or all of my thoughts. It’s almost asif there’s an invisible wall or some other obstruction that is preventing me from accessing my mind. 

It’s frustrating because I feel dumb. I can’t articulate myself; my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. I suffer a lot with what I call “word salad”, where my mind often processes things faster than I’m able to speak and my words can sometimes get jumbled up. I take a deep breathe, think for a second, and then start again. It’s a simple solution and common advice – slow down. 

Word salad aside, this feels like something different (and extreme) altogether – have I literally lost my mind? 

I think the obvious answer is a resounding no – I’m still functioning. I can still speak, eat, walk, think (well I’m still having vivid dreams so clearly my brain is working), etc.

In true detective style, I feel like this is a case of needing some rest. Some RnR. Quiet, calm restfulness.  A mythical concept I find so difficult yet understand the benefits all too well. 

Here’s hoping that with some downtime I can be connected once again. 

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Life lessons Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

Daydream believing and gracious nothingness

Do you ever just sit and stare into the abyss? Listen to music or sit in silence, and just stare out into the unknown?

Yesterday I spent hours just sitting and staring. Usually I’d think what a waste of time as I have 10,000,000 things I could be spending my precious time doing. But instead, I just sat on a bench, listened to music and absorbed myself in doing nothing. Absolute nothing. And it was great. 

Always being on a deadline or having a gazillion things on your to do list (and mind) can be so overwhelming. Yes ten minutes of mindfulness a day is a really good way of adding in some self care and “me” down time. But sometimes I find it’s not enough. I’m so pressurised to get everything I can possibly do done – and that’s mostly pressure I put on myself – that mindfulness can often be just another activity to check off my list. 

I’m a reflector, I always have been. Sometimes it’s good – it gives me that headspace I need to really think and process my thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes it turns into rumination and is bad for me – that’s when the spiralling can start. 

But, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Think nothing. Be nothing. Just sit and observe, without any time pressures or thinking about what’s next after you’ve “relaxed” a bit. I guess that’s mindfulness in its self – it’s the way it’s meant to be. 

It’s almost like you have to teach and allow yourself to press the pause button every now and then. And that, quite frankly, is just an insane notion – how have we got to this stage in life where we have to learn to do nothing?!

21st century problems. 

Let’s be still more <3