Tag: remember to breathe

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Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

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Mental Health

Mountains and molehills

This week something so insignificant really sent me spiralling. I say insignificant because although to me it felt enough to throw me into a downward spiral, the reality is that for a bystander it was something or nothing. 

It’s frustrating recognising yourself spiralling and feeling like you can do absolutely nothing about it. I guess in a way it’s a good sign I can recognise it in myself, and I aren’t oblivious to what is happening. But still, I felt out of control. 

No amount of meditation, journaling, yoga-ing, you name it was able to bring me back. 

It’s cyclical and I know these feelings pass and I’ll feel “normal” again – whatever that is. 

But it’s a horrible feeling – emotionally and physically. I felt like I was screaming internally for help, but really what could anyone actually have done?

It took a few days for the calmness to come back to me, and finally I feel back in control again. Like nothing ever happened.

And that’s the thing about mental health, it can be unpredictable.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

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Motivation

Motivation, where for art thou?

I guess it’s symptomatic of the current times we live in. But more and more I’m struggling to really motivate myself. Which is expected, but equally so frustrating. I just want to DO something. Anything! Well not exactly anything, but all the things I enjoy. And I know these days won’t last forever, and we’ll look back with pure envy and say things like “remember when we complained about being stuck at home? I WISH I could be stuck at home right now. I need a break…”. That’s life though isn’t it? 

I keep remembering the important bits, hell the words inked on my own side tell me “and in time, this too shall pass”. 

Until then I guess I’ll keep searching for my lost motivation, and remember to [try to] keep grounded. 

Repeat after me: breath in for three, hold for three, out for seven…..