Tag: self care

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Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

I wonder if I’ll ever be enough

A common thought amongst most people – a sweeping statement but nethertheless I’d say true. We spend our lives striving for wealth, for greatness, to have a roaring career, be in the best shape, pushing ourselves to be the epitome of success. But what really does that mean?

I definitely feel I’ve spend my life, all 33 years of it thus far, trying to be better. The best version of myself – be it pushing my body beyonds its limits, micro controlling my diet, burning myself out through overwork to prove I’m worthy and capable, relentlessly cleaning my house like it’s a palatial show room and not a lived in home. But for who? For what purpose? And most importantly why?

Am I doing all of these things for myself? Am I really that satisfied? Will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever truly be happy and content? Am I enough for myself?

Through talking therapy this year we discussed expectations and pressures – mainly put on myself, by myself, from the idea of what I “should” be doing, and what defines being successful. Even though I realised comparison was the thief of joy, here I am 6+ months later still unable to change my habits and thought cycles.

But I know better. I know that if nothing changes then nothing changes. It’s something I hear myself profess to other people, so why is it so hard to practice what I preach?

Perhaps that’s the point though – it’s practice, and without commitment to the cause, I’ll always be in the same vicious, draining cycle.

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Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

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Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

And one day I’ll be able to see the path I so clearly carved out

I’m lost at the moment. Lost somewhere in between the monotony of daily life (aka the “new normal”), life as I used to know it, and hopes for the future. I feel I’m somewhere along a continuum. There’s hope at one side and despair at the other side.

I try to pep talk myself because I know I don’t have it as bad as some people, but still, it feels enough for me. Unsustainable. Like I might break or shatter at any moment – and often I do, in the form of tears.

And I know it’s okay, because life is a journey – they say you have to take the rough with the smooth, life is full of bumps in the road. But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

I’m getting better at talking; about acknowledging how I am feeling and if I don’t think I am coping that well. But then this week I heard the most infuriating thing – to check in with how people are really feeling would be overkill and a box ticking exercise. Oh, and if you ask someone how they really are feeling they will drag you down with them. And there was me thinking “it’s okay not to be okay”.

For me, I will continue to try being more open. I say try because it’s still hard, there’s a certain element of vulnerability that I will never be able to shift. But, I will always be receptive to other people’s openness and honesty.

If there’s one thing I have learnt, it’s that articulating thoughts and feelings – whether written or spoken – always helps you see the light.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

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Life lessons Relationships Rollercoaster of life

The fallacy of great expectations

Do you ever get so caught up in how you think people will react to a particular instance or event, that when they do actually react it takes you utterly by surprise? In a way you perceive as either good surprise or bad surprise.

I’ve had a few moments like this recently. I always want to see the best in people, and as my own harsh critic I place tough expectations on myself, for myself. But, when other people fall short of my own personal expectations I’m disappointed. Which is insane, because firstly these are my own expectations for myself, and secondly we are each an individual. We don’t want people all the same. We need differences. Like the saying goes: variety is the spice of life. Having differing people creates a healthy balance of opinion and, well, general interestingness.

The thing about expectations is that hopelessly believing (or wishing) that people will react and be the same as you can be self destruction. It inadvertently hurts me when I feel people let me down – which isn’t fair. They never signed up to those expectations in the first place. It’s literally not you, it’s me.

Instead of thinking how we would be in any given situation, it’s more useful to readjust our mindset – what would so and so do? If I was so and so what would I think?

Habits take time to develop, and life is one continuous development. If only it came with a guidebook…

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Motivation

Motivation, where for art thou?

I guess it’s symptomatic of the current times we live in. But more and more I’m struggling to really motivate myself. Which is expected, but equally so frustrating. I just want to DO something. Anything! Well not exactly anything, but all the things I enjoy. And I know these days won’t last forever, and we’ll look back with pure envy and say things like “remember when we complained about being stuck at home? I WISH I could be stuck at home right now. I need a break…”. That’s life though isn’t it? 

I keep remembering the important bits, hell the words inked on my own side tell me “and in time, this too shall pass”. 

Until then I guess I’ll keep searching for my lost motivation, and remember to [try to] keep grounded. 

Repeat after me: breath in for three, hold for three, out for seven…..

Hello (again) world!

After a five and a half year “hiatus” I’ve re-found my voice. It’s not that it was lost as such, I could never be a mute (I’m sure my friends and family can attest to that. It’s just, I kind of lost who I was. And I guess to some extent I’m still not really sure who I “am”. And that’s the point – in life, you mature, you go through all the challenges and turbulences and curveballs, and whatever else. Time moves so fast and you yearn for those moments you can take a break – to think, to feel, to breathe. And most of all to remember; remember who you used to be and wish for the happiness you once felt. Then the feelings and emotions come, and wow do they overwhelm. But, here we are. Here I am. Moments don’t last forever – and I remember once someone saying to me “that’s really pessimistic”, but is it? I chose to see that as optimism, call it blind faith if you will. Now more than ever we have to learn to be comfortable in our own skin. I’m not looking for my former self anymore; I’m working on my future self.