Category: Motivation

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

A spark, a flame, a fire

I’ve been struggling recently. Mentally and physically. I guess mentally it’s not really a surprise – I’ve been more open than ever with my struggles of depression. But physically it’s been a burden.

There’s an intrinsic link between mental and physical health, especially when depression and/or other struggles are involved. Still, I’ve always been quite ‘functional’. And this is something which I’ve weirdly been proud of myself for – probably pressurised myself unknowingly.

I don’t think I’d describe myself as a ‘get up and go’ kind of person per se, but I’ve always been able to function within the day – whether that be to work, go to the gym, general get shit done.

Within the last, honestly I don’t know how long, I’ve lost my motivation and all energy. In a non life-ending way, but I’ve really lost my lust for life. Which tells me that something needs to change.

We all know that “it’s okay not to be okay”, and I truly stand firm to that notion. But, I know in myself that in order for me to cope and feel myself, something has to give.

I’ve made some really subtle changes recently, as well as really trying to give myself a break (easier said than done). I can feel it already, those little sparks coming to life again.

Sparks eventually lead to flames and fires. And that’s all I can hope for.

Journey.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Faith of the Heart

My pseudonym, with very simple origins: a song that really resonates with me.

I started writing under the name because the song struck a chord with me. It talks of long roads (read: life’s ups and downs), but realising your potential and having the strength and courage not to let anything get in the way of becoming who you want to be.

To me, to have faith of the heart means having hope and strength to get through life; whatever challenges and adversity lay in wake. To know you’ll make it, to see through the darkness until you find the light.To know there will be better days.

And that all sounds really lovely doesn’t it? Very perfect and dreamlike, when in reality we all know life doesn’t work like that. It’s tough and far from an easy ride, and it can be so turbulent that your faith/hope/strength/courage/passion/zest, you name it, can disintegrate.

But the thing is, for me at least, it’s never been more pertinent to have faith of the heart. To remember that whatever is thrown at us next, whether it is another lockdown, further restrictions, another version of a “new normal”, there is light. It’s hard to believe it right now, let alone see it, but I’m choosing to have faith of the heart. I know deep down I am stronger than what life throws at me.

We all are. And I’ll repeat it forever.

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

Categories
Life lessons Motivation

Inaccessible thoughts and the insufferable heat

At risk of a repetition of last week, my gosh this week has been hard. A real slog. And not for any particular reason, although I think the extreme heat hasn’t helped. I’ve really struggled to connect to my mind. That sounds absolutely insane – and not a thing – but let me explain. 

I always have a million and one thoughts whizzing through my mind – a trait I know a lot of people endure. But this last week it’s like I’ve not been able to isolate or process any or all of my thoughts. It’s almost asif there’s an invisible wall or some other obstruction that is preventing me from accessing my mind. 

It’s frustrating because I feel dumb. I can’t articulate myself; my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. I suffer a lot with what I call “word salad”, where my mind often processes things faster than I’m able to speak and my words can sometimes get jumbled up. I take a deep breathe, think for a second, and then start again. It’s a simple solution and common advice – slow down. 

Word salad aside, this feels like something different (and extreme) altogether – have I literally lost my mind? 

I think the obvious answer is a resounding no – I’m still functioning. I can still speak, eat, walk, think (well I’m still having vivid dreams so clearly my brain is working), etc.

In true detective style, I feel like this is a case of needing some rest. Some RnR. Quiet, calm restfulness.  A mythical concept I find so difficult yet understand the benefits all too well. 

Here’s hoping that with some downtime I can be connected once again. 

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Another weekend – and month – gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s now August and I find myself continually asking “where has this year gone?” – to no one in particular, though probably myself as I seem to talk to myself a lot (first sign of going mad, apparently…).

I guess everyone is asking themselves the same thing – and it probably feels like such a waste of a year. But, is it though?

I think yes and no.

Yes, because I’ve not “achieved” anything; not been on holiday, not done half as much as usual (or that I had aimed to), not used the year (or what’s gone of it so far) as I had planned. In short, I have done nothing. And yet those are the same reasons for which it isn’t a waste either.

It’s been near enough five whole months of a slower pace of life; of working from home (and experiencing the very real phenomenon of working from home burnout mixed with Zoom fatigue), of not being able to do all of the normal things I’m used to – or at least not to the same extent as I used to (hello sweaty, creepy face coverings / goodbye friendly hugs). I didn’t see my family for the longest time (for me) either.

But, it’s also been a time for reflection – albeit forced, because really during lockdown what else were you supposed to do after completing Netflix?

A rollercoaster of internalised emotions; of frustration, and the realisation of what really matters. For learning to embrace the art of doing nothing – to be still and be happy with what you have.

I know that some people haven’t had the same experience, or to the same extent. And in truth, describing this year as a rollercoaster really does not even do it justice for my own experiences.

But right now, I really just want to remain focused on the good. The positives. The here and now. Yes, this year is flying by. Yes, I’ve done nothing. But yes, I’m enjoying it. And that’s really all that matters right now.

Life is never a waste.

Categories
Life lessons Motivation Rollercoaster of life

What use is the good without the bad?

There’s a quote about life that I love – life is a balance between holding on and letting go (Rumi, I think).

Sometimes I crave an easy life. It can all get too much and I just want simplicity and breeziness. I mean, wouldn’t it be amazing if everything was perfect all the time? No hardship, no sadness, no strife – just plain sailing and not having to work for anything.

But, would that be boring? Would we appreciate everything we have? Would we feel whole? Deserving? Fulfilled?

My feelings on this, and through personal experience, I would say are that when things are tough, although it can be devastating and oppressing at the time, it can make all the goodness that more sweeter – and deserved.

There’s something so fulfilling about being in a dark place, or experiencing low times, and coming out onto the other side. Not only does it make you realise how strong you actually are (because the mind can be cruel and play tricks on us, and we always doubt our ability to cope), but you realise highs and lows are all part of the circle of life. You need the lows to appreciate the highs.

And frankly, I think it would probably be boring if things were perfect all the time – as dreamy as it sounds, not having to strive for anything would become tiresome and unfulfilling.

There has to be a balance though, and this is where the quote comes in. Balance of not only knowing when to endure and when to let go, but of realising this is personalised. Your balance point can change constantly, and what you can endure in one moment or what makes you happy in another may differ from day to day. And that’s okay. Heck, that’s normal.

Just know that after the lows, the highs will follow. And man will they be worth it.

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

You. It’s always been you. It always will be you.

Self confidence and self esteem. The two most illusive traits (if that is the correct terminology) that a person endeavours to embody – and emanate.

It sounds so simple – believe in yourself; your abilities and your self worth. But in reality, it can be a challenge. But weirdly it’s much easier for us to believe in other people – to build them up and have endless faith in them and their abilities – than it is to believe in ourselves.

It’s human nature of course. The trials and tribulations of the modern day world, life so to speak, take their toll. It’s exhausting. And through that exhaustion, all facets of our life unravel and become increasingly difficult to maintain to the same degree.

This last week I’ve unfortunately been unwell, but in some ways I have been fortunate in the sense that it’s given me time to rest and reflect. To really look in and converse with the worries and anxieties that are held deep inside me.

I frustrate myself because my knee jerk reaction is to panic. To worry. To think of the worst possible scenario. To believe that I cannot and will not be able to cope with whatever life throws at me.

But, and this is the important bit, I know that I can and would be able to cope. It’s just easy to forget; to react in the way I’ve become so familiar with.

I love to journal (case and point this blog). And whilst I wouldn’t normally share my personal journal with anyone, there’s something I wrote this week that I feel is important to share:

“I need to realise and remember my self worth – it isn’t tied to any job or any aspect of my life. It is within me. And also, it is within my gift to pick myself back up from the floor, to be my own cheerleader.”

It’s probably quite self indulgent to quote myself, albeit something I wrote in my journal. But the point I’m trying to get at is, I realised I do know my self worth. And that’s a step forward in its self. It’s now just about learning to tap into that.

Work in progress.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

The haze, the fog, and everything in between

My working week started how my weekend ended – in a haze of nothingness and brain fog. I’ve struggled all this last week with concentration – even with basic tasks such as opening my emails and within a matter of seconds forgetting who I was emailing and what on earth for. Racking my brains (or lack thereof) to try and remember what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. 

To say it’s been a difficult week is an understatement. It’s been frustrating, in the sense that generally I like to be productive. I guess I feel a sort of sense of achievement for having been productive and having tangible outputs. Almost pride like – yes there are struggles, but on the whole I am functional and will not be typecast under a narrow minded and archaic definition. 

Still, it frustrates me nonetheless. I like to do. I don’t like to sit still – body or mind. And the latter is probably where I don’t help myself or give myself enough of a break. 

But this week, I’m almost embraced the haziness and concentration struggles. I’ve been patient and gentle with myself. Instead of berating myself for not remember what I was doing, or meant to be doing, I’ve allowed myself to go through the motions – and emotions – to recognise it for what it is. A moment. An insignificant moment in my life. Literally and metaphorically. It doesn’t really matter if I forget things, or have moments (or weeks) of fogginess, because those moments do pass. They are not defining. 

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can. 

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Rest, Reflect and Recuperate

I remember when I first started in the world of work, “live for the weekend” I was told. I didn’t really give a response, I just sort of mm-okay-d. I mean, what can you really say to that or “this is it now, your life for the next forty years”?!

In the first years of ‘The Real World’ I truly believed these people who would give ‘advice’ about living for the weekend were truly soul suckers. Were they telling me I’d had the best time of my life, and it was all down hill from now on (a bit like when you hit thirty and you’re told that exact sentence)? Were they saying it out of spite or some unfounded jealousy?

Now on reflection, I do think they meant well and I can understand where they were coming from – work is consuming. It really does feel like eat, sleep, work repeat sometimes (okay, most of the time..).

But, I can’t stand by or advocate living for the weekend because honestly, what life is that? Living only for two days out of your week is a pure waste.

I think I’m slowly finding a good balance – I am one of those people, old before my time, who likes to go to bed super early. But I still try to make the most out of the mornings and evenings before work, so that my day isn’t all about work (the urge to say “and no play” is strong..”.

Weirdly, I find I’m more active during the working week rather than the weekend. The weekend for me is all about self-care: resting, reflecting and whatever else I do, do it slowly with no pressure.

Ultimately we only have one life; why only enjoy two days a week?

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

“You seem to have more good days than bad”. A sentence uttered to me this week by someone who has known me precisely five minutes.  Okay, an exaggeration – more like eight weeks but still, hardly a long period of time. And although you don’t have to know someone for a long length of time to really know them, in this situation I was really taken aback because this person has never met me in the flesh so to speak, only by virtual means. 

It’s the age old response of “I’m okay”. Some people take that at face value – they said they are okay, they must be okay, end of. Others see behind the words and delve deeper – no, how are you really?! 

In this particular instance, I think what has bothered me the most is the underlying and unspoken meaning behind the comment – that because you appear happy and functional, you cannot possibly suffer from depression or any other ailment (whether it be mental, physical or otherwise). Depressed people don’t laugh. Depressed people don’t work. Depressed people just stay in bed crying all day. Depressed people don’t have anything to live for. And whilst that is sadly true for some sufferers, that is not the case for all. One size most certainly does not fit all. It is possible to suffer with depression and live (or try to live) a functioning life. There’s also waves and bouts – sometimes there’s sunshine, sometimes there’s rain. 

Ultimately, people will only hear and see what they want to. Moral of the story: focus your energies on your own well-being and let other people worry about theirs.