Category: Mental Health

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Life lessons Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

Daydream believing and gracious nothingness

Do you ever just sit and stare into the abyss? Listen to music or sit in silence, and just stare out into the unknown?

Yesterday I spent hours just sitting and staring. Usually I’d think what a waste of time as I have 10,000,000 things I could be spending my precious time doing. But instead, I just sat on a bench, listened to music and absorbed myself in doing nothing. Absolute nothing. And it was great. 

Always being on a deadline or having a gazillion things on your to do list (and mind) can be so overwhelming. Yes ten minutes of mindfulness a day is a really good way of adding in some self care and “me” down time. But sometimes I find it’s not enough. I’m so pressurised to get everything I can possibly do done – and that’s mostly pressure I put on myself – that mindfulness can often be just another activity to check off my list. 

I’m a reflector, I always have been. Sometimes it’s good – it gives me that headspace I need to really think and process my thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes it turns into rumination and is bad for me – that’s when the spiralling can start. 

But, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Think nothing. Be nothing. Just sit and observe, without any time pressures or thinking about what’s next after you’ve “relaxed” a bit. I guess that’s mindfulness in its self – it’s the way it’s meant to be. 

It’s almost like you have to teach and allow yourself to press the pause button every now and then. And that, quite frankly, is just an insane notion – how have we got to this stage in life where we have to learn to do nothing?!

21st century problems. 

Let’s be still more <3

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Another weekend – and month – gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s now August and I find myself continually asking “where has this year gone?” – to no one in particular, though probably myself as I seem to talk to myself a lot (first sign of going mad, apparently…).

I guess everyone is asking themselves the same thing – and it probably feels like such a waste of a year. But, is it though?

I think yes and no.

Yes, because I’ve not “achieved” anything; not been on holiday, not done half as much as usual (or that I had aimed to), not used the year (or what’s gone of it so far) as I had planned. In short, I have done nothing. And yet those are the same reasons for which it isn’t a waste either.

It’s been near enough five whole months of a slower pace of life; of working from home (and experiencing the very real phenomenon of working from home burnout mixed with Zoom fatigue), of not being able to do all of the normal things I’m used to – or at least not to the same extent as I used to (hello sweaty, creepy face coverings / goodbye friendly hugs). I didn’t see my family for the longest time (for me) either.

But, it’s also been a time for reflection – albeit forced, because really during lockdown what else were you supposed to do after completing Netflix?

A rollercoaster of internalised emotions; of frustration, and the realisation of what really matters. For learning to embrace the art of doing nothing – to be still and be happy with what you have.

I know that some people haven’t had the same experience, or to the same extent. And in truth, describing this year as a rollercoaster really does not even do it justice for my own experiences.

But right now, I really just want to remain focused on the good. The positives. The here and now. Yes, this year is flying by. Yes, I’ve done nothing. But yes, I’m enjoying it. And that’s really all that matters right now.

Life is never a waste.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

You. It’s always been you. It always will be you.

Self confidence and self esteem. The two most illusive traits (if that is the correct terminology) that a person endeavours to embody – and emanate.

It sounds so simple – believe in yourself; your abilities and your self worth. But in reality, it can be a challenge. But weirdly it’s much easier for us to believe in other people – to build them up and have endless faith in them and their abilities – than it is to believe in ourselves.

It’s human nature of course. The trials and tribulations of the modern day world, life so to speak, take their toll. It’s exhausting. And through that exhaustion, all facets of our life unravel and become increasingly difficult to maintain to the same degree.

This last week I’ve unfortunately been unwell, but in some ways I have been fortunate in the sense that it’s given me time to rest and reflect. To really look in and converse with the worries and anxieties that are held deep inside me.

I frustrate myself because my knee jerk reaction is to panic. To worry. To think of the worst possible scenario. To believe that I cannot and will not be able to cope with whatever life throws at me.

But, and this is the important bit, I know that I can and would be able to cope. It’s just easy to forget; to react in the way I’ve become so familiar with.

I love to journal (case and point this blog). And whilst I wouldn’t normally share my personal journal with anyone, there’s something I wrote this week that I feel is important to share:

“I need to realise and remember my self worth – it isn’t tied to any job or any aspect of my life. It is within me. And also, it is within my gift to pick myself back up from the floor, to be my own cheerleader.”

It’s probably quite self indulgent to quote myself, albeit something I wrote in my journal. But the point I’m trying to get at is, I realised I do know my self worth. And that’s a step forward in its self. It’s now just about learning to tap into that.

Work in progress.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

The haze, the fog, and everything in between

My working week started how my weekend ended – in a haze of nothingness and brain fog. I’ve struggled all this last week with concentration – even with basic tasks such as opening my emails and within a matter of seconds forgetting who I was emailing and what on earth for. Racking my brains (or lack thereof) to try and remember what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. 

To say it’s been a difficult week is an understatement. It’s been frustrating, in the sense that generally I like to be productive. I guess I feel a sort of sense of achievement for having been productive and having tangible outputs. Almost pride like – yes there are struggles, but on the whole I am functional and will not be typecast under a narrow minded and archaic definition. 

Still, it frustrates me nonetheless. I like to do. I don’t like to sit still – body or mind. And the latter is probably where I don’t help myself or give myself enough of a break. 

But this week, I’m almost embraced the haziness and concentration struggles. I’ve been patient and gentle with myself. Instead of berating myself for not remember what I was doing, or meant to be doing, I’ve allowed myself to go through the motions – and emotions – to recognise it for what it is. A moment. An insignificant moment in my life. Literally and metaphorically. It doesn’t really matter if I forget things, or have moments (or weeks) of fogginess, because those moments do pass. They are not defining. 

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can. 

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Rest, Reflect and Recuperate

I remember when I first started in the world of work, “live for the weekend” I was told. I didn’t really give a response, I just sort of mm-okay-d. I mean, what can you really say to that or “this is it now, your life for the next forty years”?!

In the first years of ‘The Real World’ I truly believed these people who would give ‘advice’ about living for the weekend were truly soul suckers. Were they telling me I’d had the best time of my life, and it was all down hill from now on (a bit like when you hit thirty and you’re told that exact sentence)? Were they saying it out of spite or some unfounded jealousy?

Now on reflection, I do think they meant well and I can understand where they were coming from – work is consuming. It really does feel like eat, sleep, work repeat sometimes (okay, most of the time..).

But, I can’t stand by or advocate living for the weekend because honestly, what life is that? Living only for two days out of your week is a pure waste.

I think I’m slowly finding a good balance – I am one of those people, old before my time, who likes to go to bed super early. But I still try to make the most out of the mornings and evenings before work, so that my day isn’t all about work (the urge to say “and no play” is strong..”.

Weirdly, I find I’m more active during the working week rather than the weekend. The weekend for me is all about self-care: resting, reflecting and whatever else I do, do it slowly with no pressure.

Ultimately we only have one life; why only enjoy two days a week?

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

“You seem to have more good days than bad”. A sentence uttered to me this week by someone who has known me precisely five minutes.  Okay, an exaggeration – more like eight weeks but still, hardly a long period of time. And although you don’t have to know someone for a long length of time to really know them, in this situation I was really taken aback because this person has never met me in the flesh so to speak, only by virtual means. 

It’s the age old response of “I’m okay”. Some people take that at face value – they said they are okay, they must be okay, end of. Others see behind the words and delve deeper – no, how are you really?! 

In this particular instance, I think what has bothered me the most is the underlying and unspoken meaning behind the comment – that because you appear happy and functional, you cannot possibly suffer from depression or any other ailment (whether it be mental, physical or otherwise). Depressed people don’t laugh. Depressed people don’t work. Depressed people just stay in bed crying all day. Depressed people don’t have anything to live for. And whilst that is sadly true for some sufferers, that is not the case for all. One size most certainly does not fit all. It is possible to suffer with depression and live (or try to live) a functioning life. There’s also waves and bouts – sometimes there’s sunshine, sometimes there’s rain. 

Ultimately, people will only hear and see what they want to. Moral of the story: focus your energies on your own well-being and let other people worry about theirs. 

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Mental Health

There’s a dark cloud looming over the horizon, and I need to run for cover

It’s completely normal to have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’, I get that. I’ve learnt to embrace it (mostly). It’s a part of the process, hell it’s a part of life. But, over the last few days I’ve been surprised by how far I’ve found myself teetering over the edge, and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. It’s not an unfamiliar place or feeling, but I think what has surprised me the most is its return.

We’ve been on lockdown for over two months now; this is the new normal. In that sense, nothing over the last week has changed. So I think it’s that fact that has left me feeling, well, worst. Motivation has been a real struggle for a few weeks now – unsurprisingly – however, I’ve still managed to remain upbeat and positive. I’ve actively been trying to maintain a positive mental attitude (or PMA as I like to call it – not to be confused with PMS which brings out the worst in me). I’ve always believed in the law of attraction – tuning into my most hippy-like self, emanating good vibes will in return furnish me with good vibes. But it’s hard to always remain in that frame of mind. And that’s probably where I need to practice what I preach and realise it’s okay to have an ‘off’ day, but not dwell there because tomorrow is a new day – with it comes a fresh perspective to start anew.

The sky isn’t always filled with grey clouds after all….

Categories
Mental Health

Loose lips sink ships

I was talking to an old school friend the other day about mental health, and how some employers totally understand and support the mental health agenda, whereas others just pay it lip service. And that’s such a shame because imagine you’re going through a hard time, you go to work, well to pay the bills, but it also casts as a distraction from all the thoughts and feelings and situations in your head. Now imagine that the work environment makes you feel ten times worse and there’s no flexibility, it suffocates you. How does that make you feel? From an observer, sad. From experience, more overwhelmed than can be physically articulated. 

I’ve always fundamentally believed your health comes first, whether that be physical or mental. If something or someone or some people aren’t supportive of that, well that means you’re not important to them. And that simply is it. Actions really do speak louder than words – if you support an agenda, whatever that may be, you can’t give it less than your all.