Tag: livinginapandemic

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Rollercoaster of life

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

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Life lessons Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

In the cold darkness, all I hear is nothing

Without meaning to be repetitive, this year has been long. A year full of shattered hopes and dreams, a year of yearning for times of old, a year of, well, nothing.

And all that is fine really – of course it is, you can turn it into a positive. It’s been a time for reflection; of realising what and who is important to you in life. Of realising what it is that really makes you happy, of slowing down, of being still, and so on and so on.

But the problem for me has been, and I’d say for many alike too, is that I feel like I’ve lost my head. I don’t know what I think or feel anymore – I’m not numb in the sense that “I feel nothing”. More, I’m not sure where I lie anymore. What I really think. Where I’m going or what I’m doing.

And I’m probably being dramatic in the sense that I have too much time on my hands, and therefore everything is dramatised and elongated. But I truly feel like I’ve become braindead and incapable to think of anything.

The craving for a sense of normality is strong, but then I wonder – what is ‘normal’ anyway? Do I really want to go back to a full week of office life, of commuting, of feeling like I have to utilise every living moment to be ‘productive’?

I’m really just not sure anymore. And I think that’s okay, because in my tendency towards blind faith, I’ll figure it out one day.

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Life lessons Mental Health

The quiet things that only I know

There’s two phrases people often use – “life gets in the way” and “you’ll drive yourself crazy” – both have never felt truer. 

Recently I’ve been feeling myself being pulled further into the darkness, more rain less sunshine. And I think that’s how life can be sometimes. It gets in the way. Of your hopes, your visions, and it can cloud your perspective of the future. And I know people say “ahh but only if you let it consume you”, but I don’t think that’s true. You don’t always have the control. You can’t always be “strong” enough to break free. 

Maybe, though, things happen for a reason. Maybe I’m meant to feel like this now in order to feel whole in the future. I’m only human and that’s okay.

But it’s the rumination and thinking you only ever experience things alone that can be the real killer. It’s hard not to get caught up and think you’re the only one to feel this way. But I like to remind myself that the seasons always change. There is always evolution.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Faith of the Heart

My pseudonym, with very simple origins: a song that really resonates with me.

I started writing under the name because the song struck a chord with me. It talks of long roads (read: life’s ups and downs), but realising your potential and having the strength and courage not to let anything get in the way of becoming who you want to be.

To me, to have faith of the heart means having hope and strength to get through life; whatever challenges and adversity lay in wake. To know you’ll make it, to see through the darkness until you find the light.To know there will be better days.

And that all sounds really lovely doesn’t it? Very perfect and dreamlike, when in reality we all know life doesn’t work like that. It’s tough and far from an easy ride, and it can be so turbulent that your faith/hope/strength/courage/passion/zest, you name it, can disintegrate.

But the thing is, for me at least, it’s never been more pertinent to have faith of the heart. To remember that whatever is thrown at us next, whether it is another lockdown, further restrictions, another version of a “new normal”, there is light. It’s hard to believe it right now, let alone see it, but I’m choosing to have faith of the heart. I know deep down I am stronger than what life throws at me.

We all are. And I’ll repeat it forever.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Another weekend – and month – gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s now August and I find myself continually asking “where has this year gone?” – to no one in particular, though probably myself as I seem to talk to myself a lot (first sign of going mad, apparently…).

I guess everyone is asking themselves the same thing – and it probably feels like such a waste of a year. But, is it though?

I think yes and no.

Yes, because I’ve not “achieved” anything; not been on holiday, not done half as much as usual (or that I had aimed to), not used the year (or what’s gone of it so far) as I had planned. In short, I have done nothing. And yet those are the same reasons for which it isn’t a waste either.

It’s been near enough five whole months of a slower pace of life; of working from home (and experiencing the very real phenomenon of working from home burnout mixed with Zoom fatigue), of not being able to do all of the normal things I’m used to – or at least not to the same extent as I used to (hello sweaty, creepy face coverings / goodbye friendly hugs). I didn’t see my family for the longest time (for me) either.

But, it’s also been a time for reflection – albeit forced, because really during lockdown what else were you supposed to do after completing Netflix?

A rollercoaster of internalised emotions; of frustration, and the realisation of what really matters. For learning to embrace the art of doing nothing – to be still and be happy with what you have.

I know that some people haven’t had the same experience, or to the same extent. And in truth, describing this year as a rollercoaster really does not even do it justice for my own experiences.

But right now, I really just want to remain focused on the good. The positives. The here and now. Yes, this year is flying by. Yes, I’ve done nothing. But yes, I’m enjoying it. And that’s really all that matters right now.

Life is never a waste.