Tag: mental health

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Life lessons Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

Daydream believing and gracious nothingness

Do you ever just sit and stare into the abyss? Listen to music or sit in silence, and just stare out into the unknown?

Yesterday I spent hours just sitting and staring. Usually I’d think what a waste of time as I have 10,000,000 things I could be spending my precious time doing. But instead, I just sat on a bench, listened to music and absorbed myself in doing nothing. Absolute nothing. And it was great. 

Always being on a deadline or having a gazillion things on your to do list (and mind) can be so overwhelming. Yes ten minutes of mindfulness a day is a really good way of adding in some self care and “me” down time. But sometimes I find it’s not enough. I’m so pressurised to get everything I can possibly do done – and that’s mostly pressure I put on myself – that mindfulness can often be just another activity to check off my list. 

I’m a reflector, I always have been. Sometimes it’s good – it gives me that headspace I need to really think and process my thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes it turns into rumination and is bad for me – that’s when the spiralling can start. 

But, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Think nothing. Be nothing. Just sit and observe, without any time pressures or thinking about what’s next after you’ve “relaxed” a bit. I guess that’s mindfulness in its self – it’s the way it’s meant to be. 

It’s almost like you have to teach and allow yourself to press the pause button every now and then. And that, quite frankly, is just an insane notion – how have we got to this stage in life where we have to learn to do nothing?!

21st century problems. 

Let’s be still more <3

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Another weekend – and month – gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s now August and I find myself continually asking “where has this year gone?” – to no one in particular, though probably myself as I seem to talk to myself a lot (first sign of going mad, apparently…).

I guess everyone is asking themselves the same thing – and it probably feels like such a waste of a year. But, is it though?

I think yes and no.

Yes, because I’ve not “achieved” anything; not been on holiday, not done half as much as usual (or that I had aimed to), not used the year (or what’s gone of it so far) as I had planned. In short, I have done nothing. And yet those are the same reasons for which it isn’t a waste either.

It’s been near enough five whole months of a slower pace of life; of working from home (and experiencing the very real phenomenon of working from home burnout mixed with Zoom fatigue), of not being able to do all of the normal things I’m used to – or at least not to the same extent as I used to (hello sweaty, creepy face coverings / goodbye friendly hugs). I didn’t see my family for the longest time (for me) either.

But, it’s also been a time for reflection – albeit forced, because really during lockdown what else were you supposed to do after completing Netflix?

A rollercoaster of internalised emotions; of frustration, and the realisation of what really matters. For learning to embrace the art of doing nothing – to be still and be happy with what you have.

I know that some people haven’t had the same experience, or to the same extent. And in truth, describing this year as a rollercoaster really does not even do it justice for my own experiences.

But right now, I really just want to remain focused on the good. The positives. The here and now. Yes, this year is flying by. Yes, I’ve done nothing. But yes, I’m enjoying it. And that’s really all that matters right now.

Life is never a waste.

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Life lessons

Sunshine after the rain

If you speak to anyone who knows me, they might not know about the emotional struggles I have, but they will undoubtedly be able to tell you all about the love I have for my two dear nephews. It’s hard for anyone not to know really – they are my pride and joy. 

As cliché as it sounds, I really did not know the possibility to love unconditionally until these cherubs came into my life. Of course they have their testing moments, but for the most part they bring absolute joy of the purest form into my life. 

The last few weeks, well few months I guess really, have been challenging – like everyone, I’ve had my ups and downs and rode the rollercoaster of pandemic/lockdown emotions. This last week in particular has been full of a lot of tears; some explainable, some not so much. 

But, coming home to visit my munchkins has just been bliss. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m tired. But their love and pure innocence just reminds me of the good in my life. For all the self doubt and confidence struggles, they show me to just love. No conditions. No fears. No regrets. Just live and love. 

And it’s really that simplicity that seems to elude me, hell all of us a lot of the time. 

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

The haze, the fog, and everything in between

My working week started how my weekend ended – in a haze of nothingness and brain fog. I’ve struggled all this last week with concentration – even with basic tasks such as opening my emails and within a matter of seconds forgetting who I was emailing and what on earth for. Racking my brains (or lack thereof) to try and remember what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. 

To say it’s been a difficult week is an understatement. It’s been frustrating, in the sense that generally I like to be productive. I guess I feel a sort of sense of achievement for having been productive and having tangible outputs. Almost pride like – yes there are struggles, but on the whole I am functional and will not be typecast under a narrow minded and archaic definition. 

Still, it frustrates me nonetheless. I like to do. I don’t like to sit still – body or mind. And the latter is probably where I don’t help myself or give myself enough of a break. 

But this week, I’m almost embraced the haziness and concentration struggles. I’ve been patient and gentle with myself. Instead of berating myself for not remember what I was doing, or meant to be doing, I’ve allowed myself to go through the motions – and emotions – to recognise it for what it is. A moment. An insignificant moment in my life. Literally and metaphorically. It doesn’t really matter if I forget things, or have moments (or weeks) of fogginess, because those moments do pass. They are not defining. 

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can. 

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Rest, Reflect and Recuperate

I remember when I first started in the world of work, “live for the weekend” I was told. I didn’t really give a response, I just sort of mm-okay-d. I mean, what can you really say to that or “this is it now, your life for the next forty years”?!

In the first years of ‘The Real World’ I truly believed these people who would give ‘advice’ about living for the weekend were truly soul suckers. Were they telling me I’d had the best time of my life, and it was all down hill from now on (a bit like when you hit thirty and you’re told that exact sentence)? Were they saying it out of spite or some unfounded jealousy?

Now on reflection, I do think they meant well and I can understand where they were coming from – work is consuming. It really does feel like eat, sleep, work repeat sometimes (okay, most of the time..).

But, I can’t stand by or advocate living for the weekend because honestly, what life is that? Living only for two days out of your week is a pure waste.

I think I’m slowly finding a good balance – I am one of those people, old before my time, who likes to go to bed super early. But I still try to make the most out of the mornings and evenings before work, so that my day isn’t all about work (the urge to say “and no play” is strong..”.

Weirdly, I find I’m more active during the working week rather than the weekend. The weekend for me is all about self-care: resting, reflecting and whatever else I do, do it slowly with no pressure.

Ultimately we only have one life; why only enjoy two days a week?

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

“You seem to have more good days than bad”. A sentence uttered to me this week by someone who has known me precisely five minutes.  Okay, an exaggeration – more like eight weeks but still, hardly a long period of time. And although you don’t have to know someone for a long length of time to really know them, in this situation I was really taken aback because this person has never met me in the flesh so to speak, only by virtual means. 

It’s the age old response of “I’m okay”. Some people take that at face value – they said they are okay, they must be okay, end of. Others see behind the words and delve deeper – no, how are you really?! 

In this particular instance, I think what has bothered me the most is the underlying and unspoken meaning behind the comment – that because you appear happy and functional, you cannot possibly suffer from depression or any other ailment (whether it be mental, physical or otherwise). Depressed people don’t laugh. Depressed people don’t work. Depressed people just stay in bed crying all day. Depressed people don’t have anything to live for. And whilst that is sadly true for some sufferers, that is not the case for all. One size most certainly does not fit all. It is possible to suffer with depression and live (or try to live) a functioning life. There’s also waves and bouts – sometimes there’s sunshine, sometimes there’s rain. 

Ultimately, people will only hear and see what they want to. Moral of the story: focus your energies on your own well-being and let other people worry about theirs. 

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Life lessons

Working nine ’til…well nine

The current pandemic, or “situation” as you will, has really turned things on its head. For the most part, it has totally changed the way people are working – from being furloughed, having to socially distance at work, changes in work activities/tasks, to working from home (and I am sure there are many stages in between).

For me, I’ve been working from home for three months now. And whilst working from home has never bothered me before, I feel it’s starting to take its toll. Not only in terms of becoming increasingly harder to differentiate home from work, and vice versa, but also the fact the working day is stretching out to 10+ hour days. It’s really made me rethink my career path and personal priorities – I find myself questioning whether this is really the career I want? Do I really want to work for an industry that takes advantage of people having to work from home and tries to squeeze more out of them, because… well … what else do they have to do? 

Am I really happy in what I do? 

If you ask, most people would say they want to contribute to something meaningful. I don’t think it’s particularly from a place of blind faith, naivety, or cynicism of the corporate world, I think it’s more personal than that. It’s simply just wanting to do better and be better, because life is so finite. 

Do I want to quit my career and become a missionary? No. But I do want more for myself – perhaps it’s the current world we live in making me forget my sense of purpose. Either way, I want to see the positivity of it. 

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Exercise

Wheels turning, minds unfurling

There’s something I’ve never truly been able to understand, the mythical “Runner’s high”. And although I run, albeit not fast nor far, I’ve never quite experienced the surge of euphoria from running other people tell me about. But I do believe in the power of exercise and movement. Not just for physical health reasons, but also mental health – they say that sweat is fat crying (ha!), but I always think sweating is actually some sort of emotional and toxic energy release. 

For me, I have always loved to cycle. It’s strange, but I feel more confident on two wheels rather than four – perhaps that says something about my driving. 

I find that going on a bike ride really helps me to release, unwind and literally think of nothing else (note obviously paying attention to the road/cycle path otherwise it could spell disaster!). As cliché as it seems, it really does give me freedom and the ability to spread my wings, forget all of the bad parts or even stressy parts in life – at least for the duration of the ride. 

The beauty of cycling is that it can be a solo sport, or a shared activity. Solo riding lets you be hidden in a crowd, unknown to the world and free to roam with your thoughts. Whilst going on a bike ride with others is just simply FUN! 

Maybe cycling is my high….

Categories
Friendships

Little Miss Chatterbox and The Never Ending Moan

There’s an unwritten rule that allows you to moan ferociously until you’re blue in the face to your friends, and they’ll simply listen, nod, and give their feedback in the form of sympathy, acknowledgement or advice. It’s endless and enduring really – personally, I don’t know how they continue to put up with me. 

Friendships are special like that though – they are constantly evolving and developing, marked by key events and milestones, highs, lows, petty squabbles and random acts of kindness (sometimes in postal form). 

I’ve always had something to say – I’ve never been a wallflower. But, what I find the hardest is talking about something really personal, or as I like to put it “talking about my girl feelings”. And that is not to undermine femininity, or the art of expressing yourself and your feelings. It’s more personal than that, it’s the vulnerability it exposes me to. 

I’ve always loved a good moan (sounds really dodgy, obviously I mean in the ranting/bitching sense) – but now I’m learning to open up more. I’m learning it’s not only cathartic to speak to my friends about ‘my girl feelings’ (how are you really?), but it’s actually really necessary to release all of these pent up words, emotions and energies inside of me and channel them into something more positive. 

There’s that guilt you feel sometimes when you know you’re on a verbal rampage, but in personally trying to decipher the underlying meaning yourself – here’s my rant and this is what I think it could mean, or this is what I think I should do to resolve it, there’s a much more productive and positive outcome. 

Or maybe that’s what I’m telling myself to justify my moans and rambling – either way, if I feel less negativity residing is it really a bad thing? Sorry friends, your ears and sanity won’t be saved anytime soon. 

Categories
Mental Health

There’s a dark cloud looming over the horizon, and I need to run for cover

It’s completely normal to have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’, I get that. I’ve learnt to embrace it (mostly). It’s a part of the process, hell it’s a part of life. But, over the last few days I’ve been surprised by how far I’ve found myself teetering over the edge, and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. It’s not an unfamiliar place or feeling, but I think what has surprised me the most is its return.

We’ve been on lockdown for over two months now; this is the new normal. In that sense, nothing over the last week has changed. So I think it’s that fact that has left me feeling, well, worst. Motivation has been a real struggle for a few weeks now – unsurprisingly – however, I’ve still managed to remain upbeat and positive. I’ve actively been trying to maintain a positive mental attitude (or PMA as I like to call it – not to be confused with PMS which brings out the worst in me). I’ve always believed in the law of attraction – tuning into my most hippy-like self, emanating good vibes will in return furnish me with good vibes. But it’s hard to always remain in that frame of mind. And that’s probably where I need to practice what I preach and realise it’s okay to have an ‘off’ day, but not dwell there because tomorrow is a new day – with it comes a fresh perspective to start anew.

The sky isn’t always filled with grey clouds after all….