tiredness – Faith of the Heart

To be seen and not heard

That’s exactly how I feel I could summarise the last few months. I’m here but I’m not really sure I have anything to say. Which is obviously a lie, I always have something to say. But recently it just feels like the only consistent thing I’m saying is mere commentary on the current “situation” if you will. I’ve lost my voice in this pandemic stricken ocean.

I’m not wallowing in self pity or thinking I’m unique – I know I’m not the only one. Most people I speak to are fed up. Fed up of feeling stifled and caged in by ever changing restrictions, missing what feels like their freedom, and yearning for the old life they had.

So what else could anyone do really except emphasise the repercussions of life as we now know it. There doesn’t feel anything else to do.

And that’s where my voice has gone really – I feel exhausted and depleted from commenting on current life. It’s the same comments I’m churning out over and over again, like some sort of broken record.

At some point I decided I wanted to stop the repetition and turn inwardly. Which is a slippery slope, because the more time spent focussing inward the harder it becomes to tease yourself back out.

All I can do at the moment is hope for better days to come – then maybe I’ll have something different and maybe even enriching to say.

I live to fight another day ….

Inaccessible thoughts and the insufferable heat

At risk of a repetition of last week, my gosh this week has been hard. A real slog. And not for any particular reason, although I think the extreme heat hasn’t helped. I’ve really struggled to connect to my mind. That sounds absolutely insane – and not a thing – but let me explain.

I always have a million and one thoughts whizzing through my mind – a trait I know a lot of people endure. But this last week it’s like I’ve not been able to isolate or process any or all of my thoughts. It’s almost asif there’s an invisible wall or some other obstruction that is preventing me from accessing my mind.

It’s frustrating because I feel dumb. I can’t articulate myself; my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. I suffer a lot with what I call “word salad”, where my mind often processes things faster than I’m able to speak and my words can sometimes get jumbled up. I take a deep breathe, think for a second, and then start again. It’s a simple solution and common advice – slow down.

Word salad aside, this feels like something different (and extreme) altogether – have I literally lost my mind?

I think the obvious answer is a resounding no – I’m still functioning. I can still speak, eat, walk, think (well I’m still having vivid dreams so clearly my brain is working), etc.

In true detective style, I feel like this is a case of needing some rest. Some RnR. Quiet, calm restfulness. A mythical concept I find so difficult yet understand the benefits all too well.

Here’s hoping that with some downtime I can be connected once again.