Author: faithoftheheart

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Life lessons Mental Health

Emotional remote controls and the pause function

Feelings. I used to think they were my nemesis, and to some extent I would still define them as “the bane of my life”. Which is outrageously dramatic, and only partially true.

Like a lot of people, I struggle to control let alone contain my feelings and emotions. Even with my best effort, you’ll still understand my thoughts on the matter/situation etched visibly across my face – for me, unfortunately, there’s no hiding.

I’ve spent a long time trying to suppress my emotions; to push them further and further down into a box deep inside my brain in the hope they’ll never surface and I’ll never have to deal with them ever again. It’s what I think of as my version of an ‘off’ switch – choosing whether or not to display emotions and process feelings. To feel vulnerable.

Of course in reality there is never any control. The box will always pop open, and all the feelings and emotions I’ve been trying to avoid will overwhelmingly come spilling out. This is the real world after all.

Avoiding the way I feel or situations that trigger an emotional response has always been my default – but I’m slowly trying to learn to acknowledge and embrace what emotion has stirred up and how it is making me feel. It’s just that, as obvious as it sounds, feelings can be overwhelming. They can be raw. They can make you feel unbalanced, throw you off kilter, make you feel out of control and unable to cope.

But I suppose part of growing up is also about growing into yourself too. To learn to manage emotions, or at least let them run their course and don’t try to fight them.

Deep, calming breaths.

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

The glory days and yearnings of calm

I always used to mock people who would begin sentences with “back in my day” – and I guess I probably still would have a giggle and/or an eye roll. But, after a week of annual leave and a bank holiday (or 10 blissful days of deliciously sweet freedom) I have the blues. A bad, bad case of craving for those days when I didn’t have a care in the world.

Waaaay before my university days (because I was anxious as hell back then too). I’m talking carefree school goer (not GCSE years as I was a panicker then as well). Those years in your life where you don’t know what a worry is, let alone spend all your time consumed by them. That’s what I crave right now.

There’s something about a night before going back to work – whether it be Sunday night blues (aka weekend come down – in a non narcotic sense, but whatever floats your boat) or post annual leave return. The anxiety is real. And it’s not even as if it’s the fear of the unknown because the reality is you’re 99% sure you know what you’re going back to.

I’ve realised it’s the physical act of going back – it’s strange because I’m a creature of habit, I crave routine. A sense of normality makes me feel, well, normal. And grounded. And me. And in control. But the transition between personal time and work time is something I really struggle with. I know it’s a delicate balancing act – you need enough of one and the other. But there’s something about the night before going back to work that fills me with a kind of dread and uncertainty.

I know that experience counts for a lot and as you get older you learn to ride the waves. I’ve come to recognise when I’m feeling like this and have a routine in place (naturally): yin yoga, bath, meditation, and journaling. But in some ways I wish I could skip back to those calmer days. Or skip forward, but I know that’s wishing my life away.

I know the advice banded around is always to take things one step at a time. And although cliché, it’s pretty solid advice. I do have to laugh and wonder if I’ll look back in a few years’ (or decades’) time and yearn for these days.

We got this.

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Life lessons Relationships Rollercoaster of life

The fallacy of great expectations

Do you ever get so caught up in how you think people will react to a particular instance or event, that when they do actually react it takes you utterly by surprise? In a way you perceive as either good surprise or bad surprise.

I’ve had a few moments like this recently. I always want to see the best in people, and as my own harsh critic I place tough expectations on myself, for myself. But, when other people fall short of my own personal expectations I’m disappointed. Which is insane, because firstly these are my own expectations for myself, and secondly we are each an individual. We don’t want people all the same. We need differences. Like the saying goes: variety is the spice of life. Having differing people creates a healthy balance of opinion and, well, general interestingness.

The thing about expectations is that hopelessly believing (or wishing) that people will react and be the same as you can be self destruction. It inadvertently hurts me when I feel people let me down – which isn’t fair. They never signed up to those expectations in the first place. It’s literally not you, it’s me.

Instead of thinking how we would be in any given situation, it’s more useful to readjust our mindset – what would so and so do? If I was so and so what would I think?

Habits take time to develop, and life is one continuous development. If only it came with a guidebook…

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Life lessons Motivation

Inaccessible thoughts and the insufferable heat

At risk of a repetition of last week, my gosh this week has been hard. A real slog. And not for any particular reason, although I think the extreme heat hasn’t helped. I’ve really struggled to connect to my mind. That sounds absolutely insane – and not a thing – but let me explain. 

I always have a million and one thoughts whizzing through my mind – a trait I know a lot of people endure. But this last week it’s like I’ve not been able to isolate or process any or all of my thoughts. It’s almost asif there’s an invisible wall or some other obstruction that is preventing me from accessing my mind. 

It’s frustrating because I feel dumb. I can’t articulate myself; my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions. I suffer a lot with what I call “word salad”, where my mind often processes things faster than I’m able to speak and my words can sometimes get jumbled up. I take a deep breathe, think for a second, and then start again. It’s a simple solution and common advice – slow down. 

Word salad aside, this feels like something different (and extreme) altogether – have I literally lost my mind? 

I think the obvious answer is a resounding no – I’m still functioning. I can still speak, eat, walk, think (well I’m still having vivid dreams so clearly my brain is working), etc.

In true detective style, I feel like this is a case of needing some rest. Some RnR. Quiet, calm restfulness.  A mythical concept I find so difficult yet understand the benefits all too well. 

Here’s hoping that with some downtime I can be connected once again. 

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Rollercoaster of life

Daydream believing and gracious nothingness

Do you ever just sit and stare into the abyss? Listen to music or sit in silence, and just stare out into the unknown?

Yesterday I spent hours just sitting and staring. Usually I’d think what a waste of time as I have 10,000,000 things I could be spending my precious time doing. But instead, I just sat on a bench, listened to music and absorbed myself in doing nothing. Absolute nothing. And it was great. 

Always being on a deadline or having a gazillion things on your to do list (and mind) can be so overwhelming. Yes ten minutes of mindfulness a day is a really good way of adding in some self care and “me” down time. But sometimes I find it’s not enough. I’m so pressurised to get everything I can possibly do done – and that’s mostly pressure I put on myself – that mindfulness can often be just another activity to check off my list. 

I’m a reflector, I always have been. Sometimes it’s good – it gives me that headspace I need to really think and process my thoughts, feelings and actions. Sometimes it turns into rumination and is bad for me – that’s when the spiralling can start. 

But, sometimes you just need to do nothing. Think nothing. Be nothing. Just sit and observe, without any time pressures or thinking about what’s next after you’ve “relaxed” a bit. I guess that’s mindfulness in its self – it’s the way it’s meant to be. 

It’s almost like you have to teach and allow yourself to press the pause button every now and then. And that, quite frankly, is just an insane notion – how have we got to this stage in life where we have to learn to do nothing?!

21st century problems. 

Let’s be still more <3

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation Rollercoaster of life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Another weekend – and month – gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s now August and I find myself continually asking “where has this year gone?” – to no one in particular, though probably myself as I seem to talk to myself a lot (first sign of going mad, apparently…).

I guess everyone is asking themselves the same thing – and it probably feels like such a waste of a year. But, is it though?

I think yes and no.

Yes, because I’ve not “achieved” anything; not been on holiday, not done half as much as usual (or that I had aimed to), not used the year (or what’s gone of it so far) as I had planned. In short, I have done nothing. And yet those are the same reasons for which it isn’t a waste either.

It’s been near enough five whole months of a slower pace of life; of working from home (and experiencing the very real phenomenon of working from home burnout mixed with Zoom fatigue), of not being able to do all of the normal things I’m used to – or at least not to the same extent as I used to (hello sweaty, creepy face coverings / goodbye friendly hugs). I didn’t see my family for the longest time (for me) either.

But, it’s also been a time for reflection – albeit forced, because really during lockdown what else were you supposed to do after completing Netflix?

A rollercoaster of internalised emotions; of frustration, and the realisation of what really matters. For learning to embrace the art of doing nothing – to be still and be happy with what you have.

I know that some people haven’t had the same experience, or to the same extent. And in truth, describing this year as a rollercoaster really does not even do it justice for my own experiences.

But right now, I really just want to remain focused on the good. The positives. The here and now. Yes, this year is flying by. Yes, I’ve done nothing. But yes, I’m enjoying it. And that’s really all that matters right now.

Life is never a waste.

Categories
Life lessons Motivation Rollercoaster of life

What use is the good without the bad?

There’s a quote about life that I love – life is a balance between holding on and letting go (Rumi, I think).

Sometimes I crave an easy life. It can all get too much and I just want simplicity and breeziness. I mean, wouldn’t it be amazing if everything was perfect all the time? No hardship, no sadness, no strife – just plain sailing and not having to work for anything.

But, would that be boring? Would we appreciate everything we have? Would we feel whole? Deserving? Fulfilled?

My feelings on this, and through personal experience, I would say are that when things are tough, although it can be devastating and oppressing at the time, it can make all the goodness that more sweeter – and deserved.

There’s something so fulfilling about being in a dark place, or experiencing low times, and coming out onto the other side. Not only does it make you realise how strong you actually are (because the mind can be cruel and play tricks on us, and we always doubt our ability to cope), but you realise highs and lows are all part of the circle of life. You need the lows to appreciate the highs.

And frankly, I think it would probably be boring if things were perfect all the time – as dreamy as it sounds, not having to strive for anything would become tiresome and unfulfilling.

There has to be a balance though, and this is where the quote comes in. Balance of not only knowing when to endure and when to let go, but of realising this is personalised. Your balance point can change constantly, and what you can endure in one moment or what makes you happy in another may differ from day to day. And that’s okay. Heck, that’s normal.

Just know that after the lows, the highs will follow. And man will they be worth it.

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Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

You. It’s always been you. It always will be you.

Self confidence and self esteem. The two most illusive traits (if that is the correct terminology) that a person endeavours to embody – and emanate.

It sounds so simple – believe in yourself; your abilities and your self worth. But in reality, it can be a challenge. But weirdly it’s much easier for us to believe in other people – to build them up and have endless faith in them and their abilities – than it is to believe in ourselves.

It’s human nature of course. The trials and tribulations of the modern day world, life so to speak, take their toll. It’s exhausting. And through that exhaustion, all facets of our life unravel and become increasingly difficult to maintain to the same degree.

This last week I’ve unfortunately been unwell, but in some ways I have been fortunate in the sense that it’s given me time to rest and reflect. To really look in and converse with the worries and anxieties that are held deep inside me.

I frustrate myself because my knee jerk reaction is to panic. To worry. To think of the worst possible scenario. To believe that I cannot and will not be able to cope with whatever life throws at me.

But, and this is the important bit, I know that I can and would be able to cope. It’s just easy to forget; to react in the way I’ve become so familiar with.

I love to journal (case and point this blog). And whilst I wouldn’t normally share my personal journal with anyone, there’s something I wrote this week that I feel is important to share:

“I need to realise and remember my self worth – it isn’t tied to any job or any aspect of my life. It is within me. And also, it is within my gift to pick myself back up from the floor, to be my own cheerleader.”

It’s probably quite self indulgent to quote myself, albeit something I wrote in my journal. But the point I’m trying to get at is, I realised I do know my self worth. And that’s a step forward in its self. It’s now just about learning to tap into that.

Work in progress.

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Life lessons

Sunshine after the rain

If you speak to anyone who knows me, they might not know about the emotional struggles I have, but they will undoubtedly be able to tell you all about the love I have for my two dear nephews. It’s hard for anyone not to know really – they are my pride and joy. 

As cliché as it sounds, I really did not know the possibility to love unconditionally until these cherubs came into my life. Of course they have their testing moments, but for the most part they bring absolute joy of the purest form into my life. 

The last few weeks, well few months I guess really, have been challenging – like everyone, I’ve had my ups and downs and rode the rollercoaster of pandemic/lockdown emotions. This last week in particular has been full of a lot of tears; some explainable, some not so much. 

But, coming home to visit my munchkins has just been bliss. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m tired. But their love and pure innocence just reminds me of the good in my life. For all the self doubt and confidence struggles, they show me to just love. No conditions. No fears. No regrets. Just live and love. 

And it’s really that simplicity that seems to elude me, hell all of us a lot of the time. 

Categories
Life lessons Mental Health Motivation

The haze, the fog, and everything in between

My working week started how my weekend ended – in a haze of nothingness and brain fog. I’ve struggled all this last week with concentration – even with basic tasks such as opening my emails and within a matter of seconds forgetting who I was emailing and what on earth for. Racking my brains (or lack thereof) to try and remember what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. 

To say it’s been a difficult week is an understatement. It’s been frustrating, in the sense that generally I like to be productive. I guess I feel a sort of sense of achievement for having been productive and having tangible outputs. Almost pride like – yes there are struggles, but on the whole I am functional and will not be typecast under a narrow minded and archaic definition. 

Still, it frustrates me nonetheless. I like to do. I don’t like to sit still – body or mind. And the latter is probably where I don’t help myself or give myself enough of a break. 

But this week, I’m almost embraced the haziness and concentration struggles. I’ve been patient and gentle with myself. Instead of berating myself for not remember what I was doing, or meant to be doing, I’ve allowed myself to go through the motions – and emotions – to recognise it for what it is. A moment. An insignificant moment in my life. Literally and metaphorically. It doesn’t really matter if I forget things, or have moments (or weeks) of fogginess, because those moments do pass. They are not defining. 

Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can.